Wow.  My last post got some attention from a few friends.

Thank you very much for your kind words of encouragement.  I sincerely appreciate them.

I’ve had the chance to take many deep breaths since the other night, lots of time to pray and reflect. I’m feeling a bit better about things.

I’m really anxious for this weekend. It’s our first three-day break since January, and it couldn’t come at a better time.  I’ll be spending time with the in-laws, then I’ll spend the rest of it in my garage working on my new proton pack.  I’m so close to finishing it, then I’ll be able to work on the gun for it. The aim is to have it finished by mid-June. That means it’ll actually happen by mid-July. 

Back to work.

Get you off this carousel?  You mean life?  What’s the reason?

Where to begin is the more appropriate question.

I haven’t really had a vacation in two years. So, yeah, I need a break from work.  From BOTH jobs.  Like … NOW.

But doesn’t Christmas and Thanksgiving breaks count?

No, not when you’ve worked your rear off the last two because you’ve had to take care of other family members.

But you have your health …

Not really.  I have a tumor on my left kidney with which the doctors can’t decide what to do.  I’m also on blood pressure medicine because I’m freaking overweight.  I’m overweight because I’m miserable, and I eat when I get unhappy.  I hate being this size.  I want to cut every ounce of fat off my body.

Hey, you’re successful!

If by that, you mean a college-educated person with a full-time job in this crappy economy, then you’re correct, yet still wrong.  No raise in three years means I’m working those TWO jobs. I’m not working that second job just because I have nothing to do.

I can’t even afford a car payment right now, and my wonderful car of 13 years just bit the dust tonight.  It may cost more to repair than the stupid thing is worth.  It’s now sitting lifeless in our driveway after being towed home.  I really want to blow it up.

Awww, c’mon. You have your wonderful family!

Yes, I do. I cherish them. Do they feel like I do?  Probably not, but that’s because of all the reasons listed above.  I’m grouchy ALL the time now, and I tend to take it out on them.  Should I? Heck no. Do I enjoy it?  HELL NO.

I want to be a happy and normal husband and daddy.  I want to be the husband again that can take his wife on a vacation.  Somewhere … somehow.  I want to be the daddy who gets excited to be home. Not the one who is dead tired and grouchy when he gets home, or doesn’t even make it home until bedtime most nights because of that second job.

I want my raise that none of us have had in more than three years.  Maybe if we get it, I can actually go back to just one job.  Heck, who am I kidding?  As soon as I get it, it’ll just disappear like every other dime I make.

Do I even make a difference anywhere anymore?  Does anyone even appreciate what I do for them anymore?

These are valid questions.  These aren’t ones I need answered to boost my ego.  I need them answered to feel somewhat normal again. To feel appreciated. To feel like I’m doing a remotely good job at LIFE.

Until then, all I can do is pray that God will somehow bolster my good spirits and attitude. But for now, all I tend to do is take it out of His hands.

I really despise myself for it.