2010 and 2011 were two years I’d like to forget for the most part. I’m praying 2012 is a lot better.

I’ve never been one to make New Year resolutions. I’ve always been afraid that I’d never live up to them. That may still be the case, but I really need to jot down some of the things I intend on accomplishing. Here we go…

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Wow.  My last post got some attention from a few friends.

Thank you very much for your kind words of encouragement.  I sincerely appreciate them.

I’ve had the chance to take many deep breaths since the other night, lots of time to pray and reflect. I’m feeling a bit better about things.

I’m really anxious for this weekend. It’s our first three-day break since January, and it couldn’t come at a better time.  I’ll be spending time with the in-laws, then I’ll spend the rest of it in my garage working on my new proton pack.  I’m so close to finishing it, then I’ll be able to work on the gun for it. The aim is to have it finished by mid-June. That means it’ll actually happen by mid-July. 

Back to work.

Get you off this carousel?  You mean life?  What’s the reason?

Where to begin is the more appropriate question.

I haven’t really had a vacation in two years. So, yeah, I need a break from work.  From BOTH jobs.  Like … NOW.

But doesn’t Christmas and Thanksgiving breaks count?

No, not when you’ve worked your rear off the last two because you’ve had to take care of other family members.

But you have your health …

Not really.  I have a tumor on my left kidney with which the doctors can’t decide what to do.  I’m also on blood pressure medicine because I’m freaking overweight.  I’m overweight because I’m miserable, and I eat when I get unhappy.  I hate being this size.  I want to cut every ounce of fat off my body.

Hey, you’re successful!

If by that, you mean a college-educated person with a full-time job in this crappy economy, then you’re correct, yet still wrong.  No raise in three years means I’m working those TWO jobs. I’m not working that second job just because I have nothing to do.

I can’t even afford a car payment right now, and my wonderful car of 13 years just bit the dust tonight.  It may cost more to repair than the stupid thing is worth.  It’s now sitting lifeless in our driveway after being towed home.  I really want to blow it up.

Awww, c’mon. You have your wonderful family!

Yes, I do. I cherish them. Do they feel like I do?  Probably not, but that’s because of all the reasons listed above.  I’m grouchy ALL the time now, and I tend to take it out on them.  Should I? Heck no. Do I enjoy it?  HELL NO.

I want to be a happy and normal husband and daddy.  I want to be the husband again that can take his wife on a vacation.  Somewhere … somehow.  I want to be the daddy who gets excited to be home. Not the one who is dead tired and grouchy when he gets home, or doesn’t even make it home until bedtime most nights because of that second job.

I want my raise that none of us have had in more than three years.  Maybe if we get it, I can actually go back to just one job.  Heck, who am I kidding?  As soon as I get it, it’ll just disappear like every other dime I make.

Do I even make a difference anywhere anymore?  Does anyone even appreciate what I do for them anymore?

These are valid questions.  These aren’t ones I need answered to boost my ego.  I need them answered to feel somewhat normal again. To feel appreciated. To feel like I’m doing a remotely good job at LIFE.

Until then, all I can do is pray that God will somehow bolster my good spirits and attitude. But for now, all I tend to do is take it out of His hands.

I really despise myself for it.

I took some time tonight to refresh the blog.  I’ve given it a new look, and I hope you like it.

Why the heck am I up at 2 a.m. posting this?  Because I’m off tomorrow (today).  Got big things to do today concerning Mom, so I took the entire day off from both jobs.  I won’t say just yet what the business is with Mom, but I’ll just say I hope she sincerely appreciates what we’ve done for her.

Appreciation and gratitude is something that has escaped her over the last month or so.  She’s gotten back to normal, which means she’s complaining about us and everything we do again. She can’t help it.  The neurologist diagnosed her with Intermittent Explosive Emotional Disorder.  Basically, she thinks the world and those closest to her are against her at all times.  It causes her to react in a very unpleasant manner if you even look at her the wrong way for a second.

(I promise there are some positive thoughts after the jump!)

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Wow.  I am really at a time in my life where I just want to quit.  Not quit life, per se.  I just want to find someplace warm and inviting and stay there for a few days.  If you read my previous post, you’ll understand why.

Things are fine with work.  We finally launched the new website, and that is certainly a load off my back.  I’m still having to make adjustments and train those unfamiliar people on how to update their own sites.  Mind you, I’m not a teacher.  I don’t have the patience to teach others, so this is very difficult for me to keep my patience when they don’t “get it.”  However, that’s nothing compared to getting the site finished.

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